Apparently, there’s a new drug in town that makes me fear for the children about as much as Jenkem did. For those of you who have lives, jobs and no real need to scour the internet for the ridiculous, Jenkem was an alleged hallucinogenic recreational drug composed of noxious gas formed from fermented sewage. Or, in simpler terms, people were purportedly urinating and defecating into a bottle, letting it ferment, and then huffing the resulting gasses. Scattered reports in the mid to late 90s suggested that Zambian street urchins were using the drug. In 2007, reports started to surface that seemed to corroborate the abhorrent and disgusting possibility that Jenkem was not, in fact, a hoax. In November ’07, a spokesman for the Drug Enforcement Agency insisted that ‘there are people in America trying [Jenkem].’”  However, said DEA agent was never named or identified. And reports since that time have pretty much affirmed my original thought, that the entire things was complete and utter hilarious bullshit.

However, the new nonsense is more widespread and, as far as I can tell, not a hoax. Digital drugs are apparently becoming an “alarming new trend” amongst teenagers of our great(?) nation. According to several news sources on the internets, web sites are acting like sexual predators and luring children into the magical world of I-dosing with free downloads of digital drugs. When I first read this, I’ll admit that I was saddened. No one even attempted to lure me into the bright new age. Except porn sites, purported “legal” (fake) marijuana, and time-killing flash games. Woe is me.

Regardless, I figured this required the due diligence of heavy research and a glass of wine (mead to be exact, because it’s awesome). What I’ve learned: not too much. A “digital drug” is essentially just the street name for a binaural beat. It’s a two-tone sound meant to affect brainwave activity. The concept mostly evades my understanding, so I did the one thing most of these reporters telling parents to “watch the hell out” never did. I tried one. It sounds like someone took the “bing-bong” sound a metro door makes when it opens and ever-so-slowly stretched it out over 5-30 minutes. I tried several more free samples and other digital drug samples, and have one conclusion. I have a headache. I’ll admit that it does a produce an odd feeling at first. But, I have highed before, and this is not it. At most, it produces the a feeling akin to those free visual hallucinations on YouTube. You stare an an oscillating shape for long enough and when you look away that shape is everywhere. However, like all drugs, just because it didn’t work how it’s “supposed to” for me doesn’t necessarily mean it doesn’t actually work at all. There are plenty of people who smoke marijuana the first few times and feel no effect at all. I even know some poor bastards that are allergic to alcohol. Woe is them.

I read and heard several reports from narcotics professionals and concerned parents nation wide. Their main concern being that teens willingness to do this must mean they’re willing to try drugs. I think that’s going to be true regardless of what’s out there. If drugs weren’t enjoyable, no one would ever have tried them more than once in the first place. In the immortal words of Bill Hicks: “Drugs have done good things for us. If you don’t believe they have, do me a favor and take all your albums, tapes, cds, and burn ‘em…” Ever since there has been consciousness, man has been trying to escape it. I don’t think we should be lying to the children and telling them that drugs are bad. What these parents, these educators, these people should do is to teach kids the pros and cons and allow them their own decisions. Everyone seems to forget that the best way to learn is to make mistakes. It also helps to have someone there to pull you out of your vomit, wash you off, and throw you back in the gene pool.

        

I was talking to my super awesome friend Amanda earlier today, and she tuned me in the direction of a recent appropriation of funds from the Federal Highway Administration. The purpose of their Recovery and Reinvestment Act in 2009 was to “put America back to work” by either refurbishing old roads or creating new ones. Roughly $1.25 million is being allocated in Arizona for the purpose of sky-bridges. At first, everyone is totally fine with the idea. Sky-bridges are majestic feats of man laughing in the face of gravity. However, what if their purpose served vermin rather than people?

A whopping 250 red squirrels live near the top of Mount Graham. Previously thought to be extinct, this species was recently rediscovered in the 1970s, and immediately declared endangered. Motorists kill roughly five squirrels per year on a lone rural road next to their habitat on Mount Graham. The Arizona Department of Transportation plans to install 41 “canopy tunnel crossings” at a cost of $400,000. To prevent any squirrel-on-squirrel crime, another $160,000 will be spent on cameras to monitor the bridges. The rest of the money will presumably go towards fueling the Arizona DOT’s massive drug habit.

I’m all about “saving the [proverbial] rainforest”, but they’re squirrels. I’m surprised that motorists don’t kill more than 5 per year, in my opinion the little bastards have gotten pretty good at dodging cars. If we start giving them “…military grade nylon… fire retardant…” bridges, it’ll upset the whole system. Maybe they’re supposed to go extinct… squirrels carry plague and plague still exists in Arizona. I’m talking black-death-killed-everyone-in-Europe plague. Goddamn ring around the rosie plague. AND the chocolate bukkake continues in the Gulf.

        

For anyone hiding under a rock, California is the proverbial it-crowd when it comes to all things marijuana, legalization included. For those same people, the Obama administration is essentially acting like a disappointed parent after your long night of unprotected sex, dirty needles and ritual devil worship. As most of the nation is aware, the public is gradually becoming more accepting of the idea that marijuana might not be the home wrecking drug portrayed in Reefer Madness. Fourteen states have legalized for medicinal use, and California is at the forefront with the proposition to legalize the plant for recreational uses. In response, the Obama administration has said that it “firmly opposes” the legalization of any illicit drugs. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that the job of the FDA? I mean, technically, marijuana has become more of a homeopathic medicine that’s waiting in the legitimization line at the FDA fun house. These days, when you go to your doctor and state that your mood has changed, the most common answer is a handful of prescription sheets for a smorgasbord of strangely legal drugs.

The poster boy for this “firm opposition” is the most powerful finger-shaker, our Drug Czar, Gil Kerlikowske. His most recent statement on the matter is that “keeping drugs illegal reduces their availability and lessens willingness to use them.” The statement alone goes to show he’s never even seen an average American sitcom. One of our most prominent coming-of-age themes in popular media is the standard: “the older kids/parents/adults do it and I’m not allowed to do it for moral/ethical reasons, so it must be cool and I’m going to try it immediately.” Where the hell did they find this guy? The intarwebs say, Seattle. He was apparently a Police Chief. I dunno how many years of police chiefing it takes to realize that just because something is illegal doesn’t necessarily mean it’s harder to find. If you need to find some drugs, a pretty easy first step is to find a local concert for the type of music they’re associated with; or go to a highschool, or a mall, or… damn near anywhere at all. Add to that the fact that anyone currently enrolled in high school will tell you, just as it was when I was a student, that it’s always easier to find drugs than it is alcohol. Throw in the kid in your chemistry class turning all the graduated cylinders into bongs, and high school is a daily Fear and Loathing event.

What makes giggle with delight is the idea that Kerlikowske ducked when somebody tossed the idea of legalization at him. In his words, “since it hasn’t passed, right now it would be improper to speculate on what the federal government’s role is.” Improper? Even to speculate? That seems downright foolish. Hogwash even. A ballot to legalize the drug is tentatively (or set in stone, I dunno) set for a vote in California on November 2. Many recent polls have shown that around 56% of Californians favored the measure to legalize pot for recreational uses whilst taxing the proceeds. The other voters are either against or have no current opinion on the matter. When pressured, Kerlikowske said that multiples responses, including lawsuits to litigate the differences in state and federal drug laws could spring up if Californians legalize weed. In the layman’s vernacular: strangle the issue in red tape until it dies. “You can envision a lot of different things,” he said.

So, what is he going to do when the fecal matter makes contact with the oscillating unit?

        

In ancient Roman mythology, Virtus was the deity of bravery, honor and military strength. He or she was never depicted as solely a man or woman, his or her appearance changed with the medium. However, for the purpose of this article, I will refer to Virtus as she. She was the personification of the Roman virtue of virtus. The Greek equivalent deity was Arete. In most cases she is depicted as a figure in a blue robe, javelin in hand, standing over another figure with one of her feet on his chest.

On April 30, 1861, a flag was decided upon by the Virginia Convention of 1861 – The Secession Convention. This ordinance was then ratified by a vote of the electorate in May. “Virtus, the genius of the commonwealth, dressed like an Amazon, resting on a spear with one hand, and holding a sword in other, and treading on tyranny, represented by a man prostrate, a crown fallen from his head, a broken chain in his left hand and a scourge in his right. In the exergon the word Virginia over the head of Virtus, and underneath the words “Sic Semper Tyrannis.” At no point in the official literature do they make any reference to her left breast being exposed. My guess, our founding fathers were all about the boobs.

Recently, like in the past week or so, our attorney general Ken Cuccinelli handed out some censored lapel pins to his staff. He has since become Virginia’s most recent inside-joke. No one, including myself, is taking his decision even remotely seriously. He has since stated to press outlets that his move was “a joke”. In my opinion, as long as you’re trying to censor what vaguely appears to be a breast, why just stop there? Why about the rather phallic object in her arms? Or, why was there no mention of the manner in which she stands atop tyranny… very S&M, very dominatrix. After being the butt of the collective media’s jokes for a few days, Cuccinelli released the following statement: “The seal on my pin is one of many seal variations that were used before a uniform version was created in 1930. I felt it was historic and would be something unique for my staff. My joke about Virtue being a little more virtuous in her more modest clothing was intended to get laughs from my employees — which it did! Just because we’ve always done something a certain way doesn’t mean we always have to continue doing it that way. Now seriously, can we get on with real news?”

In response, I think Cuccinelli should be pretty aware of his flagrant ‘foot-in-mouth syndrome‘ after being featured on Jon Stewart’s “GAYWATCH” segment for The Daily Show in March:

        

Washington, DC: Members of the DC City Council voted unanimously this week in favor of legislation that seeks to establish medical marijuana dispensaries in the District of Columbia.

Under the proposal (B 18-622), which is expected to receive final approval from the Council next month, city Health Department officials would regulate up to five facilities to dispense medical cannabis to authorized patients. Medical dispensaries would be limited to growing no more than 95 plants on site at any one time.

Patients would be able to obtain up to two ounces of dispensary-provided marijuana per month, but would not be permitted to privately cultivate their own supply. Low-income patients will be allowed to purchase medical marijuana at a greatly reduced cost under the plan.

The legislation seeks to implement components of Initiative 59 – a 1998 DC ballot measure that garnered 69 percent of the vote. However, until this year DC city lawmakers have been barred from instituting the measure because of a Congressional ban on the issue. Congress lifted its ban late last year.

Once approved, Congress has 30 days to either approve or reject the measure.

At a DC City Council hearing in February, NORML Executive Director Allen St. Pierre testified in favor of the measure, but criticized lawmakers’ decision to remove patients’ access to home cultivation. “NORML believes that efforts by lawmakers to place undue restrictions on doctors’ abilities to recommend medical cannabis, and patients abilities to legally possess amounts that are in accordance with their specific medical needs – regardless of however well-intentioned these efforts by the Council may be – contradict the spirit of 1-59 and should be rejected by this Committee,” St. Pierre said.

DC officials contend that the restrictions are necessary to avoid having Congressional lawmakers overturn the measure.

Last week, lawmakers in Maine approved legislation to allow for the creation of state-sanctioned medical marijuana dispensaries. Similar legislation has also been approved in New Jersey, New Mexico, and Rhode Island.

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