Congressman Sal Dennison Legalizes Pot for Sal Dennison

In the process of becoming my newest hero, Congressman Sal Dennison took a route towards decriminalizing his personal use of marijuana that I’d never thought of before. In the same instance, he also tested Congress on their reading abilities (they failed… miserably). In a very National Lampoon approach to democracy, Dennison (D-OH) successfully penned an amendment into a House bill to legalize marijuana for his own personal use. Who knew writing legislation for your own personal use was another benefit of working in Congress?

My favorite part about Congressman Dennison is his quote that “I thought I’d give it a shot” in reference to how he slipped the one-sentence amendment into a bill for highway funding. So, in the greatest self-serving effort to “… see if anyone would notice” HR 4885 became The Highway Improvement and Pot Legalization for Representative Dennison Act. Congressman Sal Dennison: 1; All of his colleagues: freakin ZERO. The bill passed both houses of Congress and was signed into law by President Obama on Monday. Dennison is now the only American citizen legally allowed to use marijuana/cannabis/hemp for any goddamn reason he pleases.

Harnessing his newly found freedom, he has turned his office on Capitol Hill into an indoor nursery, cannabis leaves sprouting from every drawer and cabinet. On his twitter feed, it reads “Kucinich is back in Washington. I called him to look in on my cannabis and keep up the watering schedule.” He freely admits his pot smoking and recently declared to his constituents that he doesn’t really want to do anything else. They, in turn, responded with the financial equivalent of fist pumps and high fives by donating hundreds of thousands of dollars to his reelection campaign. “They kinda dig their pot-smoking congressman, they think it’s cool.”

Fellow members of the House of Representatives have expressed outrage, probably about being pantsed by their pot smoking colleague. Pelosi called Dennison’s act reprehensible, “we tell our constituents that we read every word of every page of the legislation we pass [and] now we have to look them in the eye and tell them that we either thought it was a good idea to legalize pot for Representative Dennison, or that we somehow skimmed over that part.” Reprehensible, my ass. This was the greatest pop quiz ever! None of this bothers Dennison, probably because he’s high as a kite, a jar on his desk contains dozens of hand-rolled marijuana cigarettes. “I guess my colleagues are kinda pissed at me for pulling a fast one,” he said with a girlish giggle, then tore into a bag of Doritos, sending them flying across the floor. “But what the fuck, I can smoke pot!”

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*NOTE: After thorough (like 5 minutes worth) research on the intarweb (how I found the story to begin with), I have found out this is probably a hoax(unless that list is not up to date), which makes me all kinds of sad panda. Regardless, it’s a good reason to run for government office. VOTE HATS FOR CONGRESS

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