Senile Evangelist Blames Quake on “Pact w/the Devil”

Pat Robertson once said that God was punishing Americans with Hurricane Katrina for legalized abortions within our state borders. For those of you who don’t know, evangelicals tend to dismiss the large plot holes within the bible. My favorite plot hole is the dinosaurs. Why don’t they write about Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs? That chapter would’ve been AWESOME. Many of them seem to be able to communicate with God on a one-way-radio, in visions, sleep, or quite possibly through a thin veil of bullshit. During a 1980 broadcast of of his brain melting show The 700 Club, he apparently “predicted” that judgement day and/or the apocalypse would happen by the end of 1982. His response to the inaccuracy: “sometimes I miss.” In 2005, Robertson took a break from predictions and urged the assassination Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez… you know… for the hell of it. Two years later, he was pretty sure God sent him a memo that “some serious shennanigans” were about to go down in the form of anti-American terrorism and he should probably request the assistance of John McClane (Jesus). “The Lord didnt say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that.” Once again, he responded to the inaccuracy with another classic Christian-MacGuffin: “all I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us.”

Pastor Crazy is back with new revelations that God is punishing Haiti for their “pact to the devil”. In Robertson’s eyes, roughly 100,000 people had to die to remind the Haitian people about that time in that place where they asked the devil to free them from the French. Haiti was “under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever,” Robertson said on Wednesday. “And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.’ True story. And so, the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’ ” (Pretty sweet deal for the devil, all he had to do was defeat the French?) Apparently, God’s pretty pissed that Haiti would assert their independence in the beginning of the 1800s and decided to wait 200 years to do anything about it. Hmmm….

PS  He has since tried to backpedal, saying that he didn’t mean to imply the earthquake was the Haitians’ fault, and that he was merely repeating a legend that has led “countless scholars and religious figures over the centuries to believe the country is cursed.”

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