Foot in Mouth, Head in Ass

For anyone hiding under a rock, California is the proverbial it-crowd when it comes to all things marijuana, legalization included. For those same people, the Obama administration is essentially acting like a disappointed parent after your long night of unprotected sex, dirty needles and ritual devil worship. As most of the nation is aware, the public is gradually becoming more accepting of the idea that marijuana might not be the home wrecking drug portrayed in Reefer Madness. Fourteen states have legalized for medicinal use, and California is at the forefront with the proposition to legalize the plant for recreational uses. In response, the Obama administration has said that it “firmly opposes” the legalization of any illicit drugs. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that the job of the FDA? I mean, technically, marijuana has become more of a homeopathic medicine that’s waiting in the legitimization line at the FDA fun house. These days, when you go to your doctor and state that your mood has changed, the most common answer is a handful of prescription sheets for a smorgasbord of strangely legal drugs.

The poster boy for this “firm opposition” is the most powerful finger-shaker, our Drug Czar, Gil Kerlikowske. His most recent statement on the matter is that “keeping drugs illegal reduces their availability and lessens willingness to use them.” The statement alone goes to show he’s never even seen an average American sitcom. One of our most prominent coming-of-age themes in popular media is the standard: “the older kids/parents/adults do it and I’m not allowed to do it for moral/ethical reasons, so it must be cool and I’m going to try it immediately.” Where the hell did they find this guy? The intarwebs say, Seattle. He was apparently a Police Chief. I dunno how many years of police chiefing it takes to realize that just because something is illegal doesn’t necessarily mean it’s harder to find. If you need to find some drugs, a pretty easy first step is to find a local concert for the type of music they’re associated with; or go to a highschool, or a mall, or… damn near anywhere at all. Add to that the fact that anyone currently enrolled in high school will tell you, just as it was when I was a student, that it’s always easier to find drugs than it is alcohol. Throw in the kid in your chemistry class turning all the graduated cylinders into bongs, and high school is a daily Fear and Loathing event.

What makes giggle with delight is the idea that Kerlikowske ducked when somebody tossed the idea of legalization at him. In his words, “since it hasn’t passed, right now it would be improper to speculate on what the federal government’s role is.” Improper? Even to speculate? That seems downright foolish. Hogwash even. A ballot to legalize the drug is tentatively (or set in stone, I dunno) set for a vote in California on November 2. Many recent polls have shown that around 56% of Californians favored the measure to legalize pot for recreational uses whilst taxing the proceeds. The other voters are either against or have no current opinion on the matter. When pressured, Kerlikowske said that multiples responses, including lawsuits to litigate the differences in state and federal drug laws could spring up if Californians legalize weed. In the layman’s vernacular: strangle the issue in red tape until it dies. “You can envision a lot of different things,” he said.

So, what is he going to do when the fecal matter makes contact with the oscillating unit?

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