Arizona’s New Sky-Bridges

I was talking to my super awesome friend Amanda earlier today, and she tuned me in the direction of a recent appropriation of funds from the Federal Highway Administration. The purpose of their Recovery and Reinvestment Act in 2009 was to “put America back to work” by either refurbishing old roads or creating new ones. Roughly $1.25 million is being allocated in Arizona for the purpose of sky-bridges. At first, everyone is totally fine with the idea. Sky-bridges are majestic feats of man laughing in the face of gravity. However, what if their purpose served vermin rather than people?

A whopping 250 red squirrels live near the top of Mount Graham. Previously thought to be extinct, this species was recently rediscovered in the 1970s, and immediately declared endangered. Motorists kill roughly five squirrels per year on a lone rural road next to their habitat on Mount Graham. The Arizona Department of Transportation plans to install 41 “canopy tunnel crossings” at a cost of $400,000. To prevent any squirrel-on-squirrel crime, another $160,000 will be spent on cameras to monitor the bridges. The rest of the money will presumably go towards fueling the Arizona DOT’s massive drug habit.

I’m all about “saving the [proverbial] rainforest”, but they’re squirrels. I’m surprised that motorists don’t kill more than 5 per year, in my opinion the little bastards have gotten pretty good at dodging cars. If we start giving them “…military grade nylon… fire retardant…” bridges, it’ll upset the whole system. Maybe they’re supposed to go extinct… squirrels carry plague and plague still exists in Arizona. I’m talking black-death-killed-everyone-in-Europe plague. Goddamn ring around the rosie plague. AND the chocolate bukkake continues in the Gulf.

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